Another Damn MGS Fanfic
by Auto Rock
Summary: A mildly humourous verbal version of MGS2's Arsenal Gear section. I'm too uninspired to make my own stories.


A (very vaguely) humourous account of Raiden's jaunt through Arsenal Gear, because I'm too damn lazy to come up with my own plotline. Have fun.  
  
---  
  
Raiden sneezed loudly.  
  
Considering the situation, things had been going relatively well so far. After Olga's cryptic message and tremendously vague directions, he'd managed to sneak past some _ninjas_, despite being cold, tired, lost, uninformed, confused, worried, and, most importantly of all, ass-naked. He was currently in the middle of one of the long hangars where Arsenal Gear's main defences were kept. The rows of Metal Gear Rays sat shrouded in icy mist, eerie in their silence, terrifying in their numbers. Despite the disorientating and frightening scenario, Raiden had managed to keep the requisite low profile.  
  
Until, of course, he had sneezed. While it seemed the explosion of pent-up nasal pressure had alerted most of Manhattan, Raiden was mostly concerned with the guard who was cautiously approaching the steel storage crate he hid behind. If Raiden's years of combat experience had taught him anything, it was that a freezing wing-wang was no match for an armour-piercing Fabrique Nationale P90 submachine gun.  
  
His (significantly fewer) years of VR training had, however, taught him the values of ordinary materials in covert operations. One such material - the humble cardboard box (the merits of which were often touted by the legendary, if quirky, Solid Snake) - was apparently at hand. Raiden grabbed the nearby box of patterned corrugated paper, and threw it over his crouched form.  
  
The guard reached the vicinity of the earlier example of offensive noise pollution, only to find a mysterious cardboard box. Emblazoned on the sides was the title of a videogame which said guard (whose name happened to be Johnny Sasaski, for we all know who he is) had enjoyed months before. He remembered it fondly as an entertaining robot-based romp. Of far more value however was the accompanying disc, on which resided a short demonstration of a game in which one played a legendary hero charged with infiltrating a terrorist-seized facility in a quiet, but terribly cool manner. It was extraordinary. However, he had heard that the full version of the game forced the player to take on the role of a younger, more effimate persona, whom he had also heard was an absolute _fruit_. Johnny, however, being of more mentally-sound material, decided to reserve judgement until he played the product in question, and was sure that he would not loathe the game if one did end up controlling said character. For now, however, he was content to escape this mental detour, and return to his patrol.  
  
Raiden breathed again for the first time in minutes. When the guard had stared intently at the box for a long period, he was sure the jig was airborne. Fortunately the foe in question had happily returned to his post. Raiden concluded that he was some kind of simpleton. He was ready to move on, when a shrill ringing sounded in his ears. On instict, his hand covered it.  
  
The call was from 140.85, the Colonel. In terms of videogame-themed metaphors, Raiden hit select.  
  
Colonel: _"Raiden, close the window, right now."_  
  
Raiden: _"What?"_  
  
Colonel: _"The mission is a failure. Close the window, and shutdown. Now."_  
  
Raiden: _"Huh?"_  
  
Colonel: _"Fine. Forget it about it!"_  
  
And the call ended.  
  
Raiden, still crouched, was still. That was... odd. Cryptic, even. While he had a an unreasonably high level of tolerance for random insanity, this tested even him. He decided that the best strategy would be to ignore it completely.  
  
Raiden stood up. Almost as soon as he did, the Codec beeped again. Hesitantly, Raiden accepted.  
  
Colonel: _"Seriously, though. I'm surprised you've got this far. Any other reader would have given up out of sheer boredom by now."_  
  
Hellishly, Rosemary appeared.  
  
Rose: _"Yeah. Or at least posted an irrelevant, poorly-worded review."_  
  
Colonel: _"You must have a lot of time on your hands."_  
  
The call quickly ended. While the fact that Rose was also being weird disturbed him far more so than the Colonel's recent eccentricity, Raiden again decided to ignore it. He had managed to advance through the hall somewhat, and had noticed a side corridor on the upper level. He approached the ascending stairway, when another the Colonel called again.  
  
Colonel: _"Yes?"_  
  
Raiden: _"Wha... ?"_  
  
Colonel: _"What do you want?"_  
  
Raiden: _"Uh... you called me."_  
  
Colonel: _"What? Is this some kind of prank call? Get off the line, punk."_  
  
Raiden moved up the stairs. Another call.  
  
Colonel: _"Zzzz.... Zzzz...."_  
  
Unnoticed by the sentries, Raiden slipped into the corridor and dashed towards the doorway at the end. He slipped through, as another call came in.  
  
Colonel: _"LALILULELO! LALILULELO! LALILULELO!"_  
  
The tunnel Raiden had moved into stretched to both the left and right, with no visible end in either direction. Raiden moved left up the empty tunnel, surrounded by sterile pipes and icy holograms. Another call.  
  
Colonel: _"Hey, Raiden. The other day I noticed a guy leaving Rose's room... I wouldn't have brought it up, but I thought you might find the stuff he told me... interesting. See, Rose has this embarrasing disorder around the -"_  
  
Raiden quickly cancelled that particular call, as he now sprinted through the tunnel. Through the mist a door at the end became visible. Yet another call.  
  
Colonel: _"JURASSIC PARK! KISS MY FACE!"_  
  
Raiden reached the door, only to be greeted by the harsh buzz signifying it was locked.  
  
Colonel: _"My friend Mark said that he saw a ninja totally uppercut some kid just because the kid opened a window."_  
  
He started to run back, as fast as possible through the numbing air. The Colonel again.  
  
Colonel: _"I will not be pushed, stamped, filed, indexed, briefed, debriefed, or numbered! My life is my own."_  
  
Bolting past the door he had entered by, Raiden heard the buzz again. That door was now locked as well...  
  
Colonel: _"He's a complicated man, and no-one understands him but his woman. Shaft."_  
  
Raiden ran full pelt into the last door, which also failed to open.  
  
Colonel: _"I CAN SPEAK ENGLISH! I LEARN IT FROM A BOOK!"_  
  
He collapsed to his knees in exhaustion and cold, his forehead connecting with the ice-cold steel of the door. He was trapped. The tone in his ear, which had been irritating him greatly for the last half hour or so, sounded once more.  
  
Colonel: _"I HEAR IT'S AMAZING WHEN THE PURPLE STUFFED WORM IN FLAP JAW SPACE, WITH THE TUNING FORK, DOES A RAW BLINK ON HARI KARI ROCK. I NEED SCISSORS. 61!"_  
  
Raiden: "..."  
  
Colonel: _"How do you pronounce that?"_  
  
Raiden disconnected again. This was getting ludicrous. If, 24 hours previously, he had been asked how he expected to die, he would not have answered, "cold, tired, naked, and confused, with a crazy man talking into his mind about fiction and stuffed animals, referencing obscure British television, the internet, and Shaft."  
  
...  
  
Raiden had honestly no idea how long it took; from seconds to days. But he gradually became aware of a presence behind him. Someone revealing themselves.  
  
Raiden peeled his forehead from the door, stood wearily up, turned around, and fell back to lean against the door, now completely numb to the cold, too tired to stand straight.  
  
His eyes took time to focus in the misty air. A man, head down, was leaning against the curved wall of the tunnel, unnaturally relaxed in the terrible situation he was present in. Bandana swinging loosely in the frost.  
  
The man looked up, and lazily pushed off the wall.  
  
"Been waiting long?", said Solid Snake.  
  
---  
  
Blah de blah. 


End file.
